The Awesome Hit The Fan

A week ago there was an open audition for "The After Hours Voice" of my company.
There were three different criteria for making the perfect candidate:

1) The ability to read.
2) The ability to speak clearly in a warm and/or cramped office space with the door closed.
3) The ability to navigate a complicated computer-telephone system where around any corner one might erase every last trace of a viable phone system....ie The ability to handle pressure.

There were 5 candidates-

The first person to announce her candidacy was a lady named Audra. She lost her cool when she tried to open the HR door and the handle stuck. She started screaming expletives until the door slid open. Inside she breezed through the interview process and left the room, but it was over before it started.

The second was Frank. Upon entering the room he noted that as a company we should turn on the air conditioning, and afterwards was not allowed to speak. "IF YOU CAN"T TAKE THE HEAT....GET OUT OF THE KITCHEN, WE NEED REAL CANDIDATES HERE" Marion yelled furiously. We all heard it, it was awful, but even he agreed he blew it.

Third was Mandy. She is so sexy, and her voice is the sweetest thing my ears have ever heard.

I strolled in after Mandy with nothing but a dream, a notepad and my guitar. I jumped into my rendition of Cindi Lauper's "All Through The Night" and before I knew it... it was just me staring Marion down as she panted uncontrollably. I went on to the reading part, and did not fumble on any of the words. As I wiped the sweat off of my forehead I gallantly exclaimed "Is it cool in here? or is it just me" and walked out the door.

Last was Benito who had been working with a translator all morning hoping he could memorize the words because he hasn't been in the country very long, and had not yet learned to read. Marion did not even know that he couldn't read because she couldn't understand a word he was saying for two reasons, 1 he has an extremely thick accent, and 2 she is extremely intolerant for a Human Resources Manager.

I was given a call back (which I thought was a second audition).
Unfortunately so was everyone else.
Worse than that was that I had to go last this time.

As I walked down the hall I saw Mandy walking out of Marion's office crying. I gave her a hug, whispered sweet nothings about how "none of this matters anyway" into her ear and walked into the room.

Marion was sitting in her office with the owner, ceo, and all 30 of our investors. I looked around for a second and said "It's very roomy in here!"

Marion broke out and said "We want you to do this job, not only because you are the best of the candidates, but also because you are the coolest person we have ever met, hired and have had the pleasure of working with".

So today, in a cramped office, with the heat radiating through the windows I carefully navigated through our phone system and announced to the world that "They have called after our normal business hours"

Have a listen:
410-684-2600 (5:31pm to 8:29am)